JUST TO CATCH YOU UP
I’m done travel nursing! At the end of April my mom came out AZ to help me drive back to PA, and together we tried to be as responsible as possible while still considering I was in 9 different states in 4 days. It may not have been the trip we originally hoped for—trying to take and spread the least number of germs possible—but it was still an incredible experience to see the landscape shift and change, to cross the Mississippi yet again, and feel the air change from hot and dry to cool and drizzly. Shout out to my mom for helping me drive, considering the 30 hours of driving necessary to move my life across the US one more time.
MY LIFE NOW
I’m sitting beside my roommate Maggie in my new apartment in Pittsburgh (still waiting for our couch to be delivered) thinking about how I’m going to be working 12 hours in the emergency room tomorrow (starting my third week of orientation).
@ MY HIGH SCHOOL MENTOR
So, it’s the end of an era (and therefore the start of an era). What does it all mean? Sometimes when I’m trying to process a time in my life I try to think of what my mentor from high school, Michele, would ask me. I’m pretty sure she would ask me something like, Holly, how do you think this process has shaped or changed you? And I would start out by saying, Wow! That is really hard to say! And then I’d say:
Well, there are definitely some things I’ve learned along the way, logistically. I’ve learned a lot about Boston, Seattle, and Phoenix. I’ve learned how to get around them, more or less, and what the surrounding areas have to offer. I’ve learned that city you live in does change your experience with life in tangible ways—the way you interact with transportation, the people who surround you, the proximity to mountains, the price of housing.
If I still lived in Boston, I’d still be buying from coffee Dunkin’ Donuts at least twice a week, minimum, and I would be drinking in the beautiful spring flowers lining cobblestone roads. If I was still in Seattle, I’d be contemplating season tickets to Reign FC and the Seattle Sounders (when sports come back, duh) and planning camping trips to the Olympic Peninsula. If I was still in Phoenix, I’d be either in the AC or the pool right now, learning all kinds of new methods for keeping my car cool(er).
I’ve learned new ways of being a nurse. And everywhere I’ve gone, I’ve found people who I wish I could take with me, people who I miss.
Has this process changed me? I mean—what does it even mean to change?! Probably? I hope that I’ve become more self-aware. More open-minded. More curious. More grateful. More assertive. More kind. More decerning when situations call for flexibility or rigidity. But, I’m not really sure. I’m not sure because around the times of transition I close myself off a little bit. I’m not sure because it seems like I’m none of those qualities when I am tired all of the time. And I’m not sure because I think I would be a slightly different person wherever I would end up. Now that I’ve been in Pittsburgh for three weeks, I’m just starting to dig into who I am going to be now, in this new place, new job, new apartment, with new-old friendships. And this isn’t a Holly I can just erase in 13 weeks. But figuring who I am now, post-travel nursing adventure, in the midst of learning a job I don’t yet know how to do, is a heavy, probably futile topic that is more complex in a global pandemic kind of world.
So how has this process shaped or changed me? The best I can hope for is that it has helped me learn how live a life that is curious, kind, and brave. Time will tell.
I CHOOSE THIS LIFE
I was thinking the other day about what it means for me to choose the life I have. Obviously, we have limited control, but I think within myself I have found a sense of agency in how I respond to life, and I have found a sense of restless, aimless drifting in how I respond to life. When I chose to leave Pittsburgh almost a year and a half ago, I felt that my life was happening to me. Leaving was a way for me to reclaim my life as something I had agency over. And—I found that agency. It is no small privilege that I have been able to grasp at a million different worlds and try them on for size. And I have been able to grow and learn and move in each and every one of them. At some point along the way, I chose Pittsburgh as my home, these people as my people, and now I get to make that happen. Going forward, no matter where I am or what I am doing (three months from now, six months from now, a year from now, etc.) can I wake up and choose this life every morning? And, if so, what are the daily habits and decisions that add up to that kind of living?
I’m feeling some last-blog-for-a-while feelings, which is definitely a certain kind of feeling. HUGE thank you to those who read my blog and have supported me along the way. <3.
Hugs from Pittsburgh!
Holly
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I don’t have any pictures this time around, but here are some poems!
Imagining Needles
2/13/2020
Cacti as tall as
Redwood forest trees, and their
Flowers are hammocks
Mesa, Arizona
2/13/20
Come to Mesa,
Come to the table,
My family gathers
Here. Amidst cactus
And lime, hot air outside,
We pass the bread, or
A story, instead.
It’s good & it’s kind, &
A way to share
Life. This is (the)
Mesa, my family
Gathers here.
Arizona Sunsets
3/18/20
Arizona sunsets
Bleed pink to blue,
Swallowing up
Proud palm trees
Which surrender
To night.
COVID Daydreams
3/21/2020
Stuck in my COVID tower,
Naught to do but sing and cook
Like any fairy book.
But–when all is said and done
And my hair tumbles undone–
I’ll tumble to the ground, and
Come what may!
But for today,
Here I stay.
It’s hard to start a fairy tale
From six feet away.
On To the Fifth Puzzle
4/16/2020
I don’t think I’m a
Quarter yet done, but it’s
Really hard to say as I
Try to sort the
Colors and note the
Shades and fit
Edges into
Places where
They
Just
Don’t
Fit
And that
Feeling
When they do
Finally
Fit,
And I
Wonder if the
Lonely days and the
Happy days and the
Other days and days and days and days
Add up to what
Kind of picture,
And if it matters
At all, because when the
Picture is complete–
Even if a piece is
Lost–
It’s just
Done
And the point of it all
Is gone.
Holly & Travel Nursing 