What’s New With Me Is New With You

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Sorta weird that no matter where you are… Pittsburgh, Brookline, Cambridge, Waltham, Boston, Seattle, Bellevue, Pheonix, Mesa, Chandler, Tempe, Canton, Columbus, Lancaster, Philadelphia, Austin, Nashville, Harrisonburg, Charlottesville, Chicago, Ann Arbor, etc, etc, etc… we’re all going through this same real weird thing right now.

THIS REALLY WASN’T WHAT I EXPECTED

3/8: Coronavirus first was mentioned in my personal journal, in passing, and I never knew at that point how much was going to change.

3/9: My Grandma unexpectedly passed away in her sleep. As a family, we were able to process a bit together and get everything out of her apartment before they completely closed the doors to visitors to her retirement home on 3/14.

3/12-13: This is around the time when all the events started to suddenly cancel. My cousins’ children were suddenly mandated home from school, and I had family and friends being told to work from home. My grandparents in Columbus, OH told me they have strict rules in place at their retirement home. “Flatten the curve” and “social distancing” entered my vocabulary. I felt a sort of cognitive dissonance, feeling like it was all too drastic (how is this possibly real life?) or not drastic enough (nurses and doctors and respiratory therapists and people in my healthcare family are going to die!) all at the same time.

3/30: Now, in AZ we are on stay-at-home orders until the end of April. It seems we are one of the last states to do this, and it seems the AZ governor was somewhat pressured to make this call.

5/2: A future date, and the last date of my contract. This means the rest of my time in Arizona will be right here, in this house, or at the grocery store or work. My expectations for my time in Arizona are going to have to change.

If I could have read that timeline in January, I wouldn’t know what to think. Sounds like the start of a bad sci-fi novel.

NURSING WAS ALWAYS A DANGEROUS JOB BUT THE PPE SHORTAGE IS DANGEROUS

*Personal Protective Equipment or PPE refers to the masks, googles, gloves and gowns, etc. we wear to prevent getting and spreading infectious diseases

Nursing has always been a dangerous job. We experience high rates of workplace violence, injury on the job, burnout, etc. But, even under those conditions, we were guaranteed personal protective equipment (PPE). At least then, we had the illusion that our health was being protected.

But there is just not enough PPE on the planet right now, it seems, so we are being asked to forget what we learned about infection control and reuse supplies. From what I can tell, this is not based on evidence that reusing PPE will prevent the spread of COVID-19, it is based on hope. Before the shortage, we could have been disciplined for the way we are now being asked to use PPE. That being said, I’m even not sure where we are in my hospital with PPE right now, much less the nation. As a staff nurse, I really only have the information I am given and what I see on the news.

Also, I want to make it clear that I am not working on a COVID-19 unit. My current unit is an observation unit, and we only have curtains in between our patient beds, so they aren’t putting anyone with even the slightest cough on my unit. I was even called off this week because our hospital census is low, probably because elective surgeries are canceled and the public is staying away as much as possible. I feel some cognitive dissonance with that too– I am young and healthy and feel I should be DOING MORE. But at the same time, when I put myself in harm’s way I am also putting my Aunt and Uncle in harm’s way (who I am living with), which I am not going out of my way to do. I think a lot of healthcare workers are feeling this way, and I know we are not the only ones facing this particular ethical dilemma.

To all my healthcare worker friends out there fighting the good fight… thank you!

A NOTE ON COMPARATIVE SUFFERING

I am disappointed my time in Arizona is no longer what I intended. I’m sad my Grandma is gone. I’m disappointed I won’t be seeing my cousins or their kids again while I’m here. I’m disappointed that I won’t get to do the things I wanted to do or see the places I was still hoping to see. I’m disappointed my friends had to cancel their trips to see me. I’m disappointed that even as I plan to move back to Pittsburgh, my homecoming will have to be quiet and small and not what I hoped for. Of course, these disappointments truly don’t add up to much in the end, and I still have a LOT to be thankful for. My disappointments almost seem shameful in light of the suffering of so many other people right now.

But hear me out: Ignoring my own sadness and disappointment does not move me into more empathy or better action. While perspective is very important, logically knowing my sadness is less justified than another person’s sadness does not actually help me cope with sadness. And when I cannot cope with sadness, I cannot empathize well with others, either. Showing myself empathy and caring for my own emotions will help me actually move into space where I can care well for other people and respond to their sadness in helpful ways.

Because, it’s not about who is suffering the most or who is the most important, it’s the reality that THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE ALL IMPORTANT. We all matter. It’s not a contest. There is no hierarchy on a person’s worth. The nurses, the doctors, the respiratory therapists, the patients, the managers, the grocery store workers, your neighbor, your friend, the person you didn’t like, the people you love, WE ALL HAVE ALWAYS MATTERED. In the hospital, this concept matters: We are to treat EVERY PERSON with dignity no matter who they are or how they came to be with us or what disease they might carry.

It means that the people who are suffering right now matter, and we should do everything we can to mitigate that suffering. But it also means that if you are suffering right now (even if that suffering looks different from somebody else’s), that you matter, too. And if you’re not suffering, that is okay, you also matter. Suffering is not a contest. Nor is indifference the answer. Instead of feeling shame, you can let empathy and compassion move you into action (such as staying home, supporting local businesses, calling up someone and asking how they are doing, etc.) that will help the people who are suffering and prevent more suffering. And somehow, hopefully, sooner than later, we will rise from this, together.

(THIS podcast about comparative suffering by Brene Brown 15:57-19:10: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-comparative-suffering-the-50-50-myth-and-settling-the-ball/.)

Saw the Columbus Crew play in a pre-season game with Liz (travel friend <3)! VERY excited for the team they have this season… hope they get to play at some point.